My soul is crooked and dark, depraved and destined for hell. At least, that’s what Pastor Jeff told me…

Smile, Sawyer. I couldn’t. Stop crying. I tried to stop. You’re defiant. I had to be. Don’t you love me? No. Don’t you love Jesus? I didn’t know anymore. Why can’t you obey like Simone? Because I’d rather go to hell. Simone, show Sawyer how to be good. I didn’t want to watch. Sawyer, open your eyes. I did. To Simone’s—blue, clear like shattered glass. Shattered by the threat of hell. Shattered by Jeff.

The therapist I was forced to see wanted me to talk about this, I presumed, since she wanted me to talk about my childhood, about anything that could have led to my December incident.

Bitch, please.

“Is there anything on your mind, Sawyer?” Dr. Harper started each session with the same wordless stare before crumbling into this question. She had two personas: soft, sweet therapist with a gentle manner, and assertive pain in my ass. I imagined her psyching herself up for our forty-five minutes twice each week. I liked to picture her in front of the mirror saying some kind of Sawyer-specific mantra—I will make it through the whole session as sweet-therapist. I will not break character. I would have felt bad for her if she wasn’t making so much money off my incarceration.

Her simple question, “Is there anything on your mind, Sawyer?” was already an admission of defeat. Every session was a game of Talk Chicken. Who would cave to fill the awkward silence first? The first time was the longest, a full six minutes before she broke. Our fourth round, the undefeated champion: me.

I shook my head.

“You’ve been here for two weeks now.” Was that all? She crossed her legs and propped her delicate face in her spider-leg fingers with her elbow on the arm of the chair. “How have you been adjusting?”

I shrugged.

“Do you like your roommate?”

“I don’t like that she has six pillows.”

“Are you saying you don’t have enough pillows?”

“I have one.” Which wouldn’t be a problem if it wasn’t paper thin and my spine wasn’t battered from years of gymnastics and cheer. “The second night I was here, I asked one of the nurses for a second one, and she said they were all out. But I knew where they were. She offered me a Trazodone to help me sleep.”

“Did you take it?”

“No. I don’t need medication.”

“I have here in my notes,” she started as she lifted a page in my file, “that you are on Effexor and Zoloft daily, Xanax as needed, and were given an injection of Haldol on the tenth. Are you saying you’re not swallowing your medication?”

“Haldol? Is that booty juice?”

“Yes. Did something happen on the tenth?”

“Sure.” I switched my bare feet to squish under the opposite knees. “Some nurses pushed me face down on the solitary room bed, then pulled off my leggings and panties.”

“I’m sorry if the shot was triggering for you.”

I scoffed. “It’s not a trigger. Nothing’s a trigger. It’s just normal instinct to fight someone when they pin you down and take your clothes off, isn’t it?”

“What led up to the ‘booty juice?’” she asked, but she already knew. She had the file.

“I’m told I threw a chair at Louie…” I flicked my fingers as if I this had yet to be proven to me. “During lunch, apparently.”

“You don’t remember?”

“Of course I remember,” I lied.

“Okay.” She lifted her chin from her palm, her brown hair swishing over her collarbone as she challenged me. “Where’d you hit him?”

“In the thigh.” Lying again. And to a psychologist, which was basically lying to a mind reader.

“No, Sawyer, you missed.”

Shit. Of course I missed. I should have guessed that. Dad always said I had terrible aim.

I crossed my arms. “Then why did I get booty juiced?”

“What was the last thing you remember before throwing the chair?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can you tell me why you did it?”

I shook my head, though I knew. Sure, I was violent, but not without reason.

She softened her voice and leaned forward, her sharp elbows poking into her knees. “Sawyer, I know what he called you. Were you feeling unsafe?”

I snickered. “You all say that word a lot, you know? Feeling. Like everything I experience is some delusion, a deviation from fact. But if you know what he called me, you know I wasn’t feeling unsafe. I was unsafe.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

“It’s almost visiting hours. Can I leave now?” I asked as I dropped my feet to the carpet.

She sighed, her eyes moving past me at the clock on the wall. “You may, but do you understand the conditions of your hospitalization?”

“I’m here to pay my debt to society.”

“You’re here to get help—”

“Mandated by the courts.”

“But if you don’t let us help you, we can decide that it is in your best interest to stay longer. If you continue to cut your sessions short—”

“Okay.” I sighed and bounced my toes against the floor. It was probably a psych patient thing; I’d scan any circle of us here and find a lot of restless legs and fingers. Or maybe it was just this place. It was January, and the AC was blasting. We were all bundled up in our drawstring-free hoodies, shaking to get warm. “Tell me what I need to do to get out of here.”

“Basically, I can’t sign off on your discharge until I have evidence you’re not going to repeat the kind of behavior that got you arrested last month. Are you ready to tell me about that night?”

“Isn’t everything in my file?”

“I meant talk about it for your sake, not mine.”

“I’ve already told the story a hundred times: to the police, to my lawyer, to the shrink who evaluated me for the plea bargain—”

“Right, but you haven’t talked about how you felt.”

I summoned my most melodramatic eye roll yet. I could imagine Dr. Harper’s view of it: the white of my eyes showing as my pupils revolved back into my head in slow motion. Contemptuous and gorgeous. I’d been working on it for years. “I feel that it wasn’t my fault. I feel that I shouldn’t be locked up here. I feel that it is unfair.”

“Unfair, okay—”

“If I have to stay, can we talk about something else?” I sank back into the couch, crossed my arms, and kicked my bare feet onto the table, one ankle dropping onto the other.

“Of course, Sawyer. What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing.”

Dr. Harper sighed discreetly and flipped through my file. “Why don’t we talk about your CBT assignment from yesterday?” She pulled out a stapled packet of papers, glanced at it, then dropped it on the coffee table between us. Her needlelike fingertips pivoted it my direction. “I was intrigued by how you filled it out.” That was shrink talk for—I was pissed to see that you didn’t even try to follow the directions.

I didn’t have to see the Behavior Chain Analysis form, which was a diagram of blank bubbles representing links in a chain from a trigger to a bad behavior, to know what I wrote. The idea was for us to fill in all the bubbles, and then find the best link in the chain to break before we misbehaved again. Over the entire page, I had scrawled JAKE in intricately filled bold letters.

“What was the problem behavior you were trying to address?”

“December 2.”

She nodded. The date was more than enough to explain. “And who is Jake?”

I slide the envelope across the table, careful to avoid the condensation ring left by Sean’s whiskey on ice. He stares down at the black (12) on the upper right corner and rolls his eyes. Good. He has heard of us.

“I’m not interested in whatever you think you have in here.” Sean shoves it back toward me before he stands that pompous way famous assholes like him do—straightening his jacket, ducking his chin to pretend he doesn’t want anyone to recognize him, looking around hoping someone does. Always soaking up the spotlight. Always too big to fall.

Except he’s not. No, I mean physically. On his feet, he’s short. These stars always seem like they’ll be tall, but they are often smaller than they appear on screen.

Right now, he’s puny.

My fingers intertwine, and I glare up at him through my eyebrows. These precious seconds are my favorite of any meeting—the moment after the scale tips but before the prick in front of me knows it’s no longer in his favor. “No problem, I’m sure the state will place Micah in a good home.” He pauses, the fingertips of his right hand lingering on the table’s surface. “The first foster home I went to was.” I continue. “My new parents tried to hide the fact that they weren’t interested in taking care of an eleven-year-old, especially one who looked like me.” I tilt my head and narrow my eyes on Sean. “Luckily, their teenage son had a thing for ‘dark girls with tight pussies.’ I’m sure Micah will find a foster brother or sister to fondle him, just like I did.”

Sean crashes into the booth in front of me and hisses, “What do you want?”

I nod toward the manila envelope he has yet to open. He huffs as he tears into it, then sifts through the evidence I’ve compiled linking him to his bastard son, the mother of whom is an undocumented immigrant. Deporting her would be a breeze. And God knows Sean won’t want the inconvenience of his child. “After what you did to Samson’s client, I thought for sure you wouldn’t mind your son having an older friend to play naked games with.”

He glowers at me and sighs. “Client?”

“You’ve sexually assaulted more than one of your backup dancers? It’s that hard to keep track?” When he refuses to answer, I continue, “Denise Arden wants her job back and a 20% raise.”

He scoffs. “We replaced her.”

“I know,” I sympathize. “I don’t know why she wants to work for her rapist, but she insisted.”

“If this is about the money, I can pay—”

“Your hush money? No, I’m afraid she doesn’t want any more of that.”

“She signed an NDA. Legally, I should get that money back now.”

“Now that I know that you raped her?” I smile in response to his silent fuming. “No, she’s in compliance with her NDA. She wasn’t the only one who knew what you did to her. Next time, pay off all the people you harass.” He’s drumming his fingers on the table. Buying time. Searching for a way out of this. I spread my elbows to the left and right and lean toward him. My voice low, I ask, “What was your favorite part? How she tasted? When she said ‘no?’ That made you hard, huh, when she didn’t want it. Do you like it when she begged you to stop? Did you fire her when she quit resisting? When it wasn’t fun anymore?”

His words are cold when he says, “She got boring. All of them do when they think they’re too good to get on their knees for the job.”

“Well,” I sit back and pull a packet of paper from my bag, “she won’t be boring now, will she?”

His lips twist into a smirk. “No. I suppose she won’t.”

I hand him the contract Denise and I drafted. “If you’d be so kind as to sign this. Please initial all the highlighted portions. Denise’s agent will be in touch, and you’ll never hear from me again.” I watch as he does, then snap pictures of each page once he returns them.

As he straightens from the table and smooths the buttons of his shirt, I say, “You know, you should always read what you sign.” Then into my shirt, I ask, “That should be enough to start, right?”

The plain clothes police officers in the booth behind me start toward Sean. The woman pulls handcuffs from her jacket pocket. Sean shouts over her while she reads him his rights, “I didn’t confess to anything. What the fuck is this?”

I hold my phone up and take another photo, this one of him getting arrested. Then I read from the page he signed, “‘I the undersigned, confess to forcibly raping Denise Arden on multiple occasions from the start of her employment in May 2017 to her dismissal…’ It goes on from there.” I tap on my phone. “And now TMZ knows.”

“They can’t make any of this stick.”

I shrug. “We really don’t care.” And we don’t. It just takes one, one survivor to step up and accuse a star of sexual misconduct, one domino to tip and knock the rest over. His other victims will come forward in the upcoming months. As long as his career is over, we don’t care if the police lock him up or not.

I snatch the envelope of blackmail from the floor and tuck it in my bag. I know what Denise requested, but I just can’t let the police have Micah’s mom. If they want her gone, they’ll figure it out themselves. My head ducks toward my chest when I scoot past the cops on my way to the exit. I’m not a fan of collaborating with the police, but Denise insisted. And I give my clients what they ask for—holistic justice.

Denise signed a nondisclosure agreement when she and her crackpot lawyer sat with Sean’s attorney. Money was exchanged, the amount, of course, she can’t tell me. Why they paid her, she, again, can’t disclose. I asked instead for a list of friends, family, coworkers, who could tell me her story for her. I didn’t need the whole truth, just enough to make him squirm.

She has her holistic justice. I have my thirty grand. Or most of it.

On my way out of the strip club, I message Denise from my Google number specific to her case: Without a hitch. LAPD have him in custody. Please wire remaining funds.

She replies within the minute. Funds transferred. Thank you.

Now I have my thirty grand. I don’t usually charge so much, but I showed my face to a high profile target and the police. Plus, she’ll get that money back and then some in her civil suit.

There’s a bar two blocks away. I know because I’ve worked a surprising number of cases at this club. Bentley’s Dive is something of a gem. It’s quiet and lit well enough to know how much regret I feel in the morning over the one-night-stand I meet there.

I never spend the night alone after I meet a target in person, which I rarely do. It’s impossible to know who can find me despite the security in my building and the fake names I do business under. I don’t have a boyfriend or roommate, and the guard puppy the humane society told me was an akita mix, grew up to be a medium sized dog who would sooner roll over for an intruder than bite him. The humane society does not take kindly to returns, but they do take them. So, besides me, my apartment is empty.

But I’m not going to sleep if it stays empty tonight.

I’m relieved to see an open stool at the bar. When I hop up onto it, sandy-haired guy in rolled up sleeves leans his palms on the counter. “What can I get for you?”

I study his face a moment, taking in his green eyes and freckles he should have grown out of years ago. “You’re new.” Maybe I frequent this bar too…frequently.

He pushes off the bar. “Yeah. Do you want a drink?”

“Old fashioned.” I put my hand out. “Wait, have you learned how to make one of those, yet?”

He glowers at me as he thumps the squat tumbler against the bar. “Ice?”

I nod. “What’s your name?”

“Cal,” he answers without looking up from the glass.

“Kal as in Superman?”

He shrugs. “It’s a nickname.”

“What’s your real name?”

“Linus.”

“Wow, your parents must hate you.”

He snickers. “You have no idea.” He tips his chin to me. “What’s your name?”

“Estlyn.”

“After E. E. Cummings?”

“Who?” I wink.

Cal coats the rim of the glass with the orange peel then drops it in my drink. “ID.” I reach into my messenger bag and pass him my driver’s license. “Estlyn Collins?” He raises an eyebrow.

“I prefer just Estlyn, like Zendaya or Beyonce.”

“What’s your address?”

I rattle off the phony North Hollywood address I have memorized.

“Mmhmm, and your birthday?”

I give him that, too. It’s only one day different than my real one.

“Where’s your real ID?”

“Excuse you, asshole, that is my real ID.”

He shakes his head as he bends the card back and forth. “You look like you’re nineteen.”

“Then why would I have my ID say I’m twenty-five if I needed to be twenty-one? That’s too great a lie to get away with.”

“Or is it the perfect lie?”

“Look, I have a law degree and a six-figure salary. I’m probably older than you.” I reach for the drink, but he picks it up and steps back from the bar. “Don’t you have other customers to not serve?”

“Where’s your degree from?”

“UCLA.”

Cal clicks his tongue. “Ooo…wrong answer.” He finally passes me my drink and my license.

“Aw, you went to USC, didn’t you?” He nods as I take a sip. “Do you think that’s why you’re behind the bar and I passed it?”

“Can I interest you in a table over there?” He points behind me. “Or the door?”

I shed my jacket revealing the low-cut top beneath. “Can I interest you in a night of no-strings-attached fucking?”

I expect him to be taken aback by my abrupt change in subject, but he responds in kind. “Sure. Do you have a less bitchy friend?”

I lean my chest against the counter to press my less than ample breasts together. “What if I don’t talk the rest of the night? Except, of course, to cry out ‘Linus’ during climax.”

“It’s Cal.”

“Sure,” I shrug, “I could scream ‘Cal’ instead.”

“I have a girlfriend.”

“Ah.” I twist the glass between my fingers. “Can you point me in the direction of someone less romantically entangled or more morally creative?”

Cal sighs and nods to the customer two seats away from me. “Another?” he asks.

I sip my drink and rotate to scan the bar for someone single and worthy of my utmost disrespect. It’s a Tuesday night. It’s not exactly packed in here. While I wait for the right guy to walk in, I pull my business card from my wallet. It’s a simple design—a white background with a black (12) on the front and my work email on the back. In pen I write, listen: there’s a hell of a good universe next door. I swallow the rest of my drink then secure the card and a twenty under the glass.

I relax into the booth Cal pointed toward and scroll through my email for prospective cases. About half of my inquiries concern infidelity, and this batch in my inbox is no different. Since I’m in the revenge business, I get a lot of requests to mutilate philandering dicks.

I have yet to take a machete to someone’s crotch.

Really, is that the most clever way to screw someone for screwing around? Also, I operate (mostly) within the law, and, because I’m a lawyer, I know that the law is a beautiful and fluid concept created to be twisted to fit my client’s needs. So, no, I’ve never accepted ten grand to castrate someone. But I have accepted fifteen to dismantle a cheater’s life brick by slimy brick.

I skim the bolded subject lines of the unread messages until that inquiry from this morning constricts my airways again. It’s not bold anymore. I’ve read it at least a dozen times, the name of the sender more than a hundred. I should reply. I have to. Because if he doesn’t go to me for revenge, he’ll go somewhere else.

“Your change.” I look up from my phone. Cal drops a few dollars and a receipt on my table.

I fold the bills and hand them back. “You need this more than I do, what with that enormous debt from your second-rate alma mater.”

He rolls his eyes, huffing as his fingers comb back his dirty blonde hair. Still, he doesn’t turn down the cash. I pick up the receipt and read the bottom. Cal scribbled the rest of the E. E. Cummings quote I started on my card: let’s go. I flip the receipt over to find he wrote, Shift ends at 10:00. I prefer you scream “Linus.”

Preorder $0.99 ebook here. Preorder signed copy here.

“Don’t put so much pressure on yourself,” my husband comforted as I spiraled with a fit of writer’s block. “You can’t expect your first book to be the epitome of literature.”

I narrowed my eyes at him.

Challenge accepted.

Over the next few weeks, I’d drop famous books on the table in front of him and shout, “Debut!” as if this justified my artistic melodrama. Now, I’m going to do the same to you.

1. The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins

Yep, debut. #1 New York Times bestseller and now a movie.

2. 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher

#1 New York Times bestseller and now a Netflix series.

3. Dune by Frank Herbert

Ah, Dune. According to Mr. Wylde, it’s the pinnacle of the science fiction genre.  And, not only was it Herbert’s debut, no one wanted to publish it. (Mr. Wylde showed me Herbert’s publishing story when I was whining about agent rejections.)

4. Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn

Haven’t heard of this book? Most of my friends haven’t. You’ve heard of Gone Girl, yes? Same author. Except, Sharp Objects is my favorite of Flynn’s books. This debut was on the New York Times Bestseller List for 70 weeks. HBO is producing a limited series based on this novel starring Amy Adams.

5. One of Us is Lying by Karen M. McManus

This book is brand new (2017), a New York Times bestseller, and definitely worth your time. I’m two-thirds of the way through it, and my money’s on Simon.

6. The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks

Cute movie. Terrible book. Inexplicably a New York Times bestseller

7. Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

Yes, this phenomenon of the millennial generation was Meyer’s first novel. Say what you will about Twilight, but commercially, it was a runaway success.

In defense of Mr. Wylde, my first book that he told me not to pull my hair out over did suck. My second, Never Touched, comes out in November. Call it hubris, call it naiveté, but I hope it’ll be the eighth on this list someday.

(This is Part 2 of the series, Twelve Pieces of Flesh where I discuss the crisis of conscience of the Christian writer–say that three times fast. I recommend reading Part 1 before continuing.)

I am not an author.

I am just a writer.

The distinction is significant, so I hope I can explain it to full justice. Authors create; they invent. They are sovereign over every event within their fictional world, every choice their characters make, every result thereof.

Writers report. They watch scenes unfurl and scribble frantically to catch every detail. They eavesdrop and interview so they can feel what their characters feel, think what they think. Then they rewrite countless times until they are certain the story on the page matches the one they have seen and touched and heard.

And, yes, this story originated in the writer’s mind. The characters aren’t living, breathing humans (or creatures for you non-realism writers). The events didn’t take place within the physical realm. But if writers do their job, the fiction they recorded is as real as what you ate for lunch today–unless, of course, you ate nothing, in which case you should go eat.

By this definition, writers are simply journalists with privileged information. And journalists can witness some gnarly stuff–war, genocide, famine, poverty, violence, trafficking, racism–the scope of the human experience. Though, most journalists tend to favor the unraveling of humanity over the stitching up (“If it bleeds, it leads.”).

A masterful journalist will do his best to record his assignment with artful skill and integrity. When the subject of his interview has shot someone, we expect him to be forthcoming. Sometimes, we expect the gory details. We expect–or at least hope for–the unbiased truth.

But at no point do we blame the journalist for the shooting.

So, why should we blame writers for their characters’ violence?

In Never TouchedI faced the task of recording multiple assault scenes–a few of them sexual in nature. Now, of course, as the writer, I had the choice of how to report these. What exact detail would be necessary to elicit empathy from the reader? How much would be gratuitous? How little would make the reader too comfortable?

Here’s where I landed: Sawyer is the poster child for the ripple effect of abuse. In other words, her story concerns the result of violence, not violence itself. So, while there are scenes of brutality in the story, for the most part, they are alluded to rather than explicitly portrayed.

Does this mean that a Christian writer should never include graphic violence in a story? No! Of course, she can. She should write what she sees, what her reader needs to know, whatever it is that completes the story.

After all, I think we can all agree that those ancient writers splattered the Bible with graphic violence (see Part 1). Why? Because that’s what they saw, that’s what their readers needed to know, that’s what completed God’s story.

I have to wonder if the abundance of violence in the Bible is why we Christians tend to excuse similar content in media more readily than explicit language or sexuality. Some of us who will see a movie rated R for violence won’t see a movie rated PG-13 for sexual content. But, if this is the case, shouldn’t Christians be able to stomach sex scenes as the Bible depicts those, too?

Never cursing, though.

Next time.

“Okay, I have two items of homework for you….Ready for them?” Jonalyn asked at the close of our mentoring session.

“Ready!” I was anxious to know I was doing the right thing, or at least not the terribly wrong thing.

Her assignments: read Judges (the book of the Bible) chapters 19 through 21 and jot down every graphic atrocity, then ask God why he included those passages in his Word.

Easy enough. I’d read Judges at least twice, probably more. No biggie.

Oh, pre-assignment Laney, you were so naive.

To say Judges 19 is rough is a cataclysmic understatement. Want a summary? You don’t, but you’re getting one:

Concubine cheats on Husband.

Concubine leaves him to stay with her dad.

Husband picks up Concubine.

On the way home, Husband and Concubine stay at a Stranger’s house in a town of the tribe of Benjamen.

Men of Benjamen (MoB) pound on Stranger’s door imploring him to surrender Husband for gang-raping fun.

Stranger says that that’s not polite to do to a guest. “But, here, take his concubine and my virgin daughter instead.”

MoB accepts offer of Concubine as object of gang-rape.

Mob rapes Concubine until they tire of her.

Concubine crawls back to Stranger’s door.

Concubine dies.

Husband nearly trips over her body as he leaves in the morning. He tells her, “Get up; let’s go,” before realizing she’s dead.

Husband cuts her into twelve pieces and sends her body parts all over Israel to rally vengeance against MoB.

Chapters 20-21 detail Israel’s war against their own tribe Benjamen, their genocide of that tribe except for a few hundred men. These survivors, of course, deserved women to bear their children, so they kidnaped some and killed other virgins’ families so they’d be free to marry them. Lucky ladies.

Still with me? Good.

I’ve read this story before, but only glossed over it. This time, though, I was that concubine being shoved out the door to that mob. I was terrified. I was betrayed. I was worthless.

I was that virgin daughter hearing my dad’s eagerness to throw me into anguish and disgrace for the sake of some guy he just met. I watched that scared concubine take my place. I had to go on living with this father who saw me as something to hand over to any man.

Of course, until I was killed in the genocide.

Three chapters are dedicated to this narrative and these chapters are bookended with, “In those days Israel had no king.” The last chapter ends with, “everyone did as he saw fit.”

So, you could say that the biblical writers included this story in the Canon to show what the kids did when Dad was away or to show why there were tens of thousands of Jews just missing from history. Fine. But why so much detail? Why did I need to know the concubine died with her hands on the threshold of the stranger’s door? Or know that he used a knife not a sword to cut up his concubine? Or have the image of him chopping her up “limb by limb?”

Because that’s storytelling.

Because I wouldn’t be outraged if I knew some men raped a woman a few thousand years ago. I’d be indignant for a minute. But I wouldn’t grieve. I wouldn’t wonder what her name was or what she felt as she died. I wouldn’t ache over the human condition–over the condition of even God’s people. I wouldn’t think of my condition–of the violence or greed or flagrant selfishness I’m capable of.

That’s what this writer of Judges did with a few concise but gory chapters.

If the biblical writers did it, why can’t the Christian author? Why can’t he document the ugly side of humanity with the same sharpness and clarity? Why don’t Christian literary agents accept submissions with even one curse word or whiff of sexuality? If we look through the shelves of a Christian bookstore, why can’t we find characters as broken as the concubine?

Characters as broken as Sawyer?

Is it because Sawyer, and subsequently her author, use unwholesome talk?

Is it because she has extramarital sex, and her author is guilty of writing sex scenes which must be erotica which causes lust which is sin?

Is it because her author’s portrayal of her sin would cause us to stumble?

Or are we afraid that, if we look at Sawyer, we’ll see the desperate friend we never reached out to, the abuse we turned a blind eye to, the unloved Jesus sought but we shunned?

Or are we afraid we’ll see ourselves?

That was the final part of Jonalyn’s assignment for me: see if my motivations for writing Never Touched in all its R-rated glory aligned with God’s reasons for including stories like Judges 19 in the Bible.

More on this later.

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If you want later to be now, check out Part 2 of this series I’m calling Twelve Pieces of Flesh.

I accidentally wrote a book in a genre I had never read. Yes, it’s embarrassing. Let’s move past it.

Anyways, the last few weeks, I’ve been scrambling to read as many New Adult romance and New Adult contemporary books as I can to rectify this problem. From what I can gather, it seems like most of these books fall into the same pattern:

Guy is tortured/secretive and hot

Girl may or may not have her own demons

They meet

Girl is attracted to guy because he is both sexy and mysterious

Guy is attracted to girl for some reason (we’ll get back to this)

Conflict

Twist (hopefully)

They end up together

HEA

All you avid readers are probably like, “Obviously. That’s how the romance genre works.” And that makes sense. I don’t want to read the last page of a Coleen Hoover novel to find that the love interest dies or something else awful (OMG, if this happens in one of her books, don’t tell me. I’m still working my way through them.).

But, I’ve noticed that, even in the best written, most binge-worthy reads, the female protagonists tend to be likable, more or less moral, and known by their circumstances more than their personalities. In other words, flat. Even the guys can’t really articulate what’s so great about these girls besides how they feel when they’re inside them.

For instance, in Ugly Love, which, was stylistically incredible and impossible to put down (I woke up at 5:30 in the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep until I finished the chapters I had remaining), I walked away feeling like I barely knew Tate besides the fact that she was a compassionate nurse/student who allowed a guy to use her for 10+ chapters.

Is this a hallmark of the genre? Is it normal for the romantic plotline to overshadow character development? This isn’t a critique. I’m really asking. I haven’t read enough of anything to know what I’m supposed to expect. Maybe the problem is that I keep hoping that I’ll open to the first page and read the female lead saying something like:

“I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark, drop on the floor so you could stomp on it.”

Or

“I didn’t stop giving hand jobs because I wasn’t good at it. I stopped giving hand jobs because I was the best at it.”

Of course, these aren’t the first lines of romance novels. They’re words from Gillian Flynn’s protagonists for Dark Places and The Grownup, respectively. Flynn knows how to write a character so real, that you feel like they exist outside the pages of the book. For instance:

Amy, Gone Girl: Selfish, cunning, manipulative but easily manipulated. Brilliant. Cold-blooded. Starved to be someone’s everything, but to be completely herself while doing so instead of the fictionalized version of herself that her parents created or that men create. Oh, did I mention, selfish?

Gone-Girl-1

Whatever. You guys deserve each other.

Camille, Sharp Objects: self-inflicted pain, self-inflicted treatment to make up for her mom who neglected her for not accepting her “care.” Associates sex with violence. Desperately wants to find some redeemable quality in herself. Raised around sexism, racism, classism, with a weak father-figure.

Libby, Dark Places: Depressed. Assumes her self-worth is soiled by her blood relation to her brother who slaughtered her family. Desperate to survive but not dependable enough to make a reliable living for herself. Klepto-ish. Terrified to face the night of her family’s massacre, or any night, with the lights off.

Again, none of these women are in a romance novel. And, if they were, would we even be rooting for them? Or would we be hoping the guy rides off into the sunset with someone less crazy? Is it possible to have a complicated, even unlikable, protagonist in a mushy-gushy love story?

So, my question for you is, do you know of any romance novel starring a Camille or a Libby or an Amy? Think: someone you definitely don’t want to be friends with. I’m sure there are a ton, I just haven’t found them yet.

If you know of any, comment below because I want to read them.

 

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